Things l ike this really happen.

So, I took off early from work today, to go to the Home Depot and pick out the self-stick vinyl flooring Hubby and I have been pondering for some time. We've gone in and inquired twice, last time discussing with the orange apron the terms for having it professionally installed. The answer to that was simple... "Totally easy, man. We're in and out in less than a day." For $1.50 a square foot, I thought this was a great deal. So today, I loaded up the cart with tiles, and went over to the installation desk to set up the day our house would get even better. Alas. It was not to be.

Despite the fact that the sign that says "We install!" next to the tiles, and our previous conversation with a nitwit teenage employee, they do not install these particular tiles. Only sheet vinyl (which is ass-ugly by the way, and three aisles over). At this point they all look at me like I'm the idiot, and proceed to load my cart with all the trappings of this DIY project. All of which have scary names, toxic fume warnings, and cost an obscene amount of money. Tell me this. If a tile is made and advertised to self-stick to any surface, why do you need an adhesive primer that needs to be troweled on?

Then, they sent me over to plumbing, where I asked another orange apron for a tutorial in how to move my toilet in order to tile, then replace it. The process seemed simple enough. Well, not simple- there was talk of needing a hacksaw to cut rusted screws, but I thought I had it under control... until we got to this part... "Now, after you move the toilet, be sure to stuff a rag down the pipe or the gasses will escape and it'll probably make you puke." Excuse me? I jokingly said that I appreciated the heads up because mine is a small, unventilated bathroom in a pretty big building. He looked me right in the eye and said, "You need to be careful then. That stuff is pretty gnarly. You could like, pass out and die."

Um. No. I called hubby, and we decided that the selling price will not be terribly affected if we leave the old vinyl as-is. It’s better than having to tell the next buyer that the previous owner died in a tragic home-improvement-killer-ass-gas incident.